Diary of a Wine Clubber - THE END

Day 11 of posting 12 wine reviews in 12 days. Ahead of schedule and I’m done. Play Chariots of Fire while you read this one.

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I don’t feel all that great. But the goal has been achieved. And considering how much I’ve drank over the last two weeks, I don’t feel like I have a huge amount of things to be embarrassed about. Well maybe the odd late night message that could have been reworded, but at least I didn't do any drunken live streaming. Not that I know of anyway.

I usually only ‘go live’ after gigs. Alcohol and gigs. When I'm full of ego and assuming the whole world will want a little more of me. Why wouldn’t they? Well, they don’t always. Last time I ‘went live’ on Facebook, I was in a local Indian restaurant. I was with my mate Alf, waiting for our takeaway and was just the right combination of alcohol and ego to hit the 'go live' button. We were laughing (loudly, of course) and a customer from in the shop came over and asked us to be quiet. The CUSTOMER asked us to be quiet!!! I was rattled. I felt like my metaphorical dick had just been whacked with a cold spoon. Nobody puts Larry in the corner. I was wound up like a Jack in the Box.

My immediate revenge idea was to flash my boobs to the man and his date as I walked past their table. I'm a genius. Although he wasn’t nearly as disturbed by it as I’d hoped, and his date actually seemed to really enjoy it. If you can't make them angry, make them laugh I guess.

Anyway, wine reviews hey! Ok, the day before yesterday (whatever day that was), I drank the R.Paulazzo 2018 Shiraz. I wasn’t wowed. I’m not wowed by the label either. I feel like its missing a bit of fun, especially after that last bottle I drank with little Jack Horner with his dick in a Fleshlight on the front. Nothing will compare. ‘R.Paulazzo’ seems an odd name too. Either drop the R or just tell us your first name. Otherwise we are all just going to assume it's Richard and that you’re a dick. My favourite Richard ever, is a high school principal named 'Richard Puller'. I’m so glad my kids didn’t go to that school. I wouldn’t have been able to help myself.

The back of the label announced the ‘seductive aromas of plum’. I didn't get seduced by the plum. Sex sells though, I’ll give you that, Dick. Going with a 6/10 for this one. Drinkable. Nothing fancy.

So the final bottle of the box, I shared with friends. Colleagues. It was an essential work thing. Although it probably came under the 'please help me I’m starting to go crazy’ mental health category more than anything. We definitely weren’t exercising.

Speaking of exercise, I accidentally weighed myself when I saw scales in their bathroom. I never weigh myself. I usually just look down and try and visualise how much of Tommy Little’s face I’d be able to see if I was sitting on it. Right now, I think I’m back up to his hairline. Anyway, I did weigh myself. I don’t want to talk about it.

So, knowing that we were pushing the boundaries of leaving the house (even though we were socially distancing), we drank the 'Jen Pfeiffer, Rock it like a Redhead, The Rebel, 2019 Merlot’. If you had time, I’d write all about how much I can't stand Nicole Kidman in this review, but I don’t want to take away from all of the excellent information you’re learning about wine.

I’m learning new things about wine every day. Such as ‘if you pour a new bottle of wine on top of the last mouthful of a different bottle that your friend was drinking, they will not like that’. I poisoned the broth. Regardless, we agreed to lock this one in for a 7/10. Nothing fabulous, but ‘I can’t see anything too wrong with it’ was the feedback.

So, in summary, things I’ve learnt;

  • I will continue to judge a book by it's cover.

  • Syrah is old grapes. Wait, no it's not. Durif is old grapes. What’s a Syrah? I'll have to ask John again.

  • Sleeping after day drinking, means you can fit more days into your life.

  • Too much of a good thing, is only sometimes a good thing (thanks Scotty).

  • I do not get turned on by plums

  • My son is discreet about dildos

  • Drinking too much red wine makes you fat

  • Drinking too much wine makes you pimply

  • I am not someone who should be in a wine club

Now for the detox! I know hearing about all this drinking isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Detox can be a serious thing and actually pretty dangerous. I had planned to save that yucky bottle from day 6ish for my detox regime (like a home made methadone program) but I accidentally drank that one too last night. Whoopsies. Turns out it wasn’t as gross as I thought.

Anyway, thanks for reading all of these reviews and encouraging me on this journey of self destruction. If anyone has any Green Tea, Whole Food Style Salads or Grains that you would like me to review, then inbox me and you can bring me dinner.

Until next month wine clubbers.x

Disclaimer: In all seriousness, alcohol is one of the most dangerous substances on the planet, for a range of reasons. Don’t be a fuckhead with it.

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